00:00:00 John Murphy

This is the Rock House Center podcast and I'm John Murphy.

00:00:04 Beth Murphy

I'm Beth Murphy.

00:00:05 Beth Murphy

And we're going to talk about today is what your child most needs to know about God.

00:00:10 Beth Murphy

It's a direct follow up to last week podcast on breaking the code to your Child Heart.

00:00:16 Beth Murphy

We talked about how to be certain that your child is assured of your love and then the need to have a whole separate track of communication.

00:00:24 Beth Murphy

That accomplishes that purpose in their life.

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The aspect we want to talk about today is what your child needs to hear from you about God.

00:00:32 John Murphy

Common condition of most children relative to their faith is that even though they have professed their faith, there is a lot more to it and there is they have not yet reached that place where they are actually trusting in God, and they have a relationship, a trusting relationship with God.

00:00:47 John Murphy

And that's a really critical thing for them to have peace about life.

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It's also fairly common in adults as well, and so they really kind of reflect to some degree.

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The normal Christian approach, which is to trust God for salvation but not yet know him and not really function in the love and the trustworthiness that he has to offer.

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And those are very important things for us to have peace about life.

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What we see frequently.

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In our conversations with folks here is that they have trusted God for the issue of salvation, and they have a level peace.

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There, but God offers to take all the burdens of life, parents and some of the children that we talked to are in a similar situation where they are not actually trusting God for more than salvation, and so they have basically a lot of the burdens of life are on them, and they're kind of on their own.

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They're isolated and trying to take these things on and solve these problems in their own strength.

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And so it's a really important aspect of the relationship that a parent has their child to begin to introduce God as being available and loving them deeply to fill their deepest needs and also to begin to trust him for all of the burdens of life, which is what his offer.

00:01:52 Beth Murphy

Is so the lack of this forms up the underpinnings.

00:01:56 Beth Murphy

Of worry, fear, anxiety, depression, that sense of that I'm all alone in life and not able to really personally connect with God and trust him and truly rest in him.

00:02:09 Beth Murphy

And in the way that he proposes and wants our faith to be, we wanted to start with the beginning.

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Place here with the fact that all children have a set of what we call divine needs.

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Those are deeply implanted needs that God put in everyone's heart.

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That can only be filled by God, and in a trusting relationship with him it goes beyond like parents will express to us at Rockhouse that they're ready to go beyond telling their children Bible stories and having them have information about God and no things in the Old Testament know about Jesus, but they want to help.

00:02:47 Beth Murphy

Them connect personally, maybe even at a young age with relating to God and knowing the character of God and the.

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Depth of their heart.

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Another way of expressing is that we provide a lot of information, so God is in their head, but God is not.

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Their heart and we need to.

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Next it.

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We need to get the God down in their heart and one of the reasons why is because that's where the need is.

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It's really clear in Ecclesiastes 311 where it is explained to us that there is a need which has been implanted in every person's heart and in their mind as well, it says, but there's nothing that satisfies that.

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Like God and the only way for this to be satisfied is in knowing and trusting God.

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So that's why it's so important for the deepest needs of a child to be filled or a person, any person to be filled is knowing the truth about who God is and then trusting him to fill these empty places that can only be filled.

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God, if we don't turn to God, then we basically pursue things which are not divine.

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Trying to fill a divine need.

00:03:45 Beth Murphy

So this desire for eternity, the connection with God, helping your child make that connection is really a privilege.

00:03:53 Beth Murphy

It's a privilege that parents get to have to make that introduction and connect their child at whatever age they see the opportunity to make that direct.

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Connect with God.

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I think of it.

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Kind of like plugging in a.

00:04:07 Beth Murphy

Well, socket it's not the head information where many adults too can check the correct answers based on what Scripture says on a true false questionnaire, but they don't know it in in the depth of our heart.

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And so the Scripture talks about having Jesus making it clear I want the children to come to me.

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Don't hinder them in the version.

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In Luke I believe it is.

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He's admonishing parents to not be a block to children coming to him.

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Of course, we don't want to be that block.

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We want to figure out how what's the way that we can.

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And facilitate that in the deepest kind of a way, and often in simple kinds of ways.

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Yes, this is not a super high level theological discussion.

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This is this.

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This has very specific, very clear applications to the quality of your child.

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's life and the quality of the parenting experience a great example just to talk about in really practical terms.

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Now is the story of the father who was putting their child to bed.

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The child says Daddy, do you love me and he goes?

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Yes, I love you.

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Yeah, and then he gets about a yard away from the bed and try, you know, trying to settle the child down, but the child pops up again, but Daddy, do you love me and he goes?

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Yes, I love you and then this happens two more times before he gets out of the room and he's answering yes every time in the affirmative.

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And then they get turns.

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The corners going down the hall and it's still happening and so.

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People would look at that and go. Well, that's just an incorrigible child. Doesn't believe me when I tell them what it is that when I tell my truth, or you know, they we have this sort of human interaction reaction. But what we need to understand is that there's a reason why that Father's answer wasn't enough.

00:05:44 John Murphy

Is because this was the beginning of a child looking for something deeper.

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What is happening?

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We feel like in that situation is the child is beginning to sense that they have a level of need for a kind of love that they want to to get from their parents.

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But the parents actually cannot satisfy that, so that divine need begins to bubble up, and so the answer to the question.

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If the father could have turned around and gone back to the child and said I love you as well as I can, being an imperfect parent for as long as I'm going to be here, being mortal sounds like you really need to hear about God.

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Who will love you perfectly and who will love you?

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Really, and so this is the perspective that we have seen over and over again where the parent goes.

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This is kind of a crazy conversation, and why don't they listen to me?

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This doesn't make sense because there is this behind that activity or behind the behavior.

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There's a need that there isn't really a worldly answer to.

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There isn't apparent answer to, but there's still.

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There's still an emptiness and that answer needs to come for them to really, truly settled.

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So beautiful example.

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Of that is a client.

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A dad who was coming to Rockhaus after a series of things that had resulted in their family being disrupted internally and in family relationships outside the family in the neighborhood.

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There's just a lot of disruption going on and the parents were in the process.

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Of addressing their own hearts and changing and becoming more and more, I guess more and more assuring to their children more credible to their children because the children are soaking up the changed version of Mom and Dad and the the assurance about being loved and.

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But Dad, noticing that the youngest child

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Still has a lot of anxiety and fear and is standing in his doorway at bedtime.

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Thinking about it's time to replace the batteries in the Night Lights and counting them and realizing there eight Night Lights in this child room and this child.

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Has a hard time ever sleeping on his own without his parents?

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And if he does sleep on his own, he's in little heap that covers at the foot.

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Of the bed.

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And just standing there asking God this is dad staying at the doorway, asking God what do I say to reassure him what popped into his mind were just the simple words that.

00:08:04 Beth Murphy

You know you can always come to our room.

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If you want to but.

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Know that God and Jesus are always with you.

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They're always right here with you in your room or wherever you are.

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They're here with you, even if we're not in the house or we're just down the hall, they're with you.

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If you go over a friends house, they're always with you.

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His version was, I think, way simpler than that.

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But that was the message.

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But I remember that he communicated the little boy.

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Just looked at him and.

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Did what a.

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Child does.

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He's in a trusting relationship with their parents, which is she just?

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Went OK daddy.

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And went to sleep.

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It wasn't as simple as just that statement that night about the Night Lights had been preceded by the assurance of being loved and protected and secure, and that mom and dad.

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Are there for you?

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But then you know, again, back to this helping the child plug into the wall to connect directly to God.

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That even though we're doing our very.

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Best for you.

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You know there is something more that you need and it's good.

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'cause I, I can't.

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Be there every minute of every day.

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But God is.

00:09:10 John Murphy

So it's sort of a practical way of describing it.

00:09:12 John Murphy

Also, it is that there is this eternal need and it and that need can only be filled by the divine.

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And what happens is the eternal need hits the limitations of the world, or the limitations of humanity to fill that need.

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Those are the opportunities that we have to say OK, well, there is a divine solution.

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It's now time to talk about it.

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What we have seen through our experience, the most critical need they have is true unconditional love and a lot of parents will say, well, I'm loving them unconditionally.

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But the reality is, is that you can't love unconditionally anymore than you can as a human.

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True unconditional love is a divine thing.

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It's a perfect thing.

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There is literally no condition whatsoever.

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That's something that God offers, and that's a really critical piece, because everyone, including children, need to know that no matter how badly they've messed up, no matter what's wrong with their thinking.

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What's wrong with their room?

00:10:00 John Murphy

What's wrong with their grade?

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It's that no matter what goes on that there is an entity who knows everything about them and knows every mistake they've ever made and does nothing but love them back.

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We all need.

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That because there's a limit to how much we're willing to trust in people to love us.

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We're always kind of holding a certain amount of the reality of our lives back from others 'cause we're afraid that maybe they would reject us if they really knew the full.

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The truth, well, you can just sense inside of you that it is.

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We all need to have this understanding that there is an entity who completely knows literally every detail of our lives and loves us completely.

00:10:33 John Murphy

And that's the basis of a lot of assurance and a basic.

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Of a lot.

00:10:35 John Murphy

Of worth is that when someone loves you despite your behavior, that establishes a level of.

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Worth and that my worth is not based on.

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Performance, so that's one of the the critical ones, and it has to do with a lot of assurance about self worth and self identity.

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And then another big one is just a sense of purpose in life.

00:10:54 John Murphy

The the two things that sort of the on the top of the list are piece about self and then piece in the perspective of purpose.

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Knowing what is knowing.

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Where I'm going in life?

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What's the significance of my life going to be?

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And really, both of those things are.

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Only available and completely and it can only be completely satisfied with trusting God for the answers of those things, and so we have this ability to, as we said, the privilege to begin to answer those questions.

00:11:23 John Murphy

And we also need to understand that we don't have the answer to that question.

00:11:26 John Murphy

We can't have the answer to that question, 'cause that's a.

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Divine answer, but.

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We have this amazing opportunity to still fill the needs of our child by allowing God into the conversation and letting him be.

00:11:37 John Murphy

The answer.

00:11:38 Beth Murphy

I'm just thinking if you're talking about Scripture that reveals that we have this core desire to be fully known and fully.

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Loved which is.

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What God describes that he does just as you were saying, our children just need what we need, so we as parents want to go first and kind of lead the way connecting with God to know that I am fully known and fully loved by God.

00:11:59 Beth Murphy

That he does have a plan and a purpose for my life.

00:12:02 Beth Murphy

Which and there's peace in both of those things.

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Even if you don't have specifics about what the plan or purpose is in a given season.

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Of your life, just.

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Knowing that he's got the big picture taken care of and it's going to unfold in the different times in your life.

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It's just that that rock solid kind of foundation situations in life can bring up the need to know God's character as life hits. As the questions of life hit, and so they can happen.

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Early in life, or maybe not until later.

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We always talk with our clients about their earliest awareness.

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Of a deep aching longing, a deep divine need that parents couldn't feel nobody could feel.

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It's fascinating, the ways in which those things take shape.

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Sometimes people report very early. Awareness is. Sometimes people don't really have one that they're aware till their 12 or their 25. But the kinds of things that go through.

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Everybody, mind.

00:12:57 John Murphy

An example of that was my my own and it's a part of the workbook I talk about this experience, but I remember being very young, walking back from the.

00:13:04 John Murphy

Mailbox and just having this recognition that I'm not eternal, that I'm mortal that I'm going to die and it was upsetting 'cause there wasn't an answer for that.

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And so I went straight to my father to try to find out the answer.

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And he being a doctor.

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Gave me the sort of scientific, physiological, biological outcome of death.

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Obviously, that didn't solve the problem.

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I would probably say that that made it worse at that point when I recognize that was mortal, I needed to actually be told that my spirit is return.

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And that's where my peace comes from and that that spirit is going to live with God.

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Someone who loves me perfectly and will love me forever, I needed to hear that assurance at that time.

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And instead of that, and because I didn't have that assurance, it left a level of torment and anxiety and uncertainty, which my behaviors growing up were partly about trying to cover.

00:13:51 John Murphy

The loss of peace I had about that uncertainty, and the idea that this was all just going to end up as a biological degrading back to dust, sort of.

00:14:00 John Murphy

Parents that there was something in me that just could not be OK with that.

00:14:03 Beth Murphy

Children ask all kinds of these sorts of eternal questions.

00:14:06 Beth Murphy

Then they can begin to come to light or come into their minds when they see things going on and their friends families.

00:14:13 Beth Murphy

Maybe their friends parent dies or their friends parents divorce or something and they start wondering, huh, wonder what happens to me if that happens.

00:14:22 Beth Murphy

What happens if you die or you go away?

00:14:24 Beth Murphy

Can even get stirred up, you know a parent is going on a trip for a month and they've never been away.

00:14:31 Beth Murphy

Before, and that can stir up the thought that wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:14:35 Beth Murphy

Things can change here.

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In life I.

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Might have a parent gone for a while.

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What does that mean?

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Is this pulling the rug out from under me in life and so parents just want to recognize the significance of those kinds of questions?

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And even if their child appears to sort of get over it and move on just to recognize.

00:14:51 Beth Murphy

If there's really an opportunity to speak into that with love and assurance and God's plan for our lives, regardless of whether the things, the circumstances of life change.

00:15:02 John Murphy

So a couple of questions that we've heard coming through which make a lot of sense that these obviously are eternal questions.

00:15:08 John Murphy

One is what happens to me when you are gone, and that's a really clear one.

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I'm looking to you as my parent.

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I count on you for caring for me and leading me in life and giving me the things that I need to be OK and sustaining me.

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Comforting me, you're the.

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You hear the protector in my life.

00:15:24 John Murphy

One of the questions that we've heard from through parents and sometimes directly from children is that question.

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What happens to me when you're gone?

00:15:32 John Murphy

Well, that is an internal question.

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Obviously you don't have an answer.

00:15:35 John Murphy

You can't tell them anything that says that answers that question satisfies that need with what is within your what you can credibly say about your ability to deal with that problem that falls clearly into a category of an internal question, because there is sort of this.

00:15:50 John Murphy

The future, the.

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Future is uncertain when I consider the idea that you will not be a part of my life.

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So I need an answer that's bigger than you, so to kind of answer in that that's an opportunity, and in that situation a parent can say I'm going to.

00:16:04 John Murphy

Take care of you as well as I can and love you as well as I can, and direct you in life as well as I can for as long as I'm going to be here.

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As an imperfect person, but you need to know that there is a God who was with you forever who has promised to take care of you and his spirit will lead you no matter what comes.

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Even if I'm not around and I can roll into.

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So let's talk about trusting God in this, and let me tell you about who God is and how much he loves you and someone who loves you.

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That much is clearly going to nurture you and lead you and care for you in life.

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The fear about the parent being gone is understood in a very different way when when the full context of their life, which includes a relationship with Lord, is.

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Understood on the issue.

00:16:43 Beth Murphy

Of purpose in life, there's a question that children and adults can ask, which is essentially is this all there is whatever I can see on my horizon.

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Is this all there is?

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Meaning I'm not really connected directly to God, so I'm feeling kind of empty, so the earliest example of that that I've had reported.

00:17:05 Beth Murphy

Is a client who said.

00:17:07 Beth Murphy

Better she sort of remembered this, but her parents vividly remembered when she was four or five years old and came home from daycare and plopped her little book bag down in a table and sighed loudly and said, OK, I got up this morning and we had breakfast and I went to daycare.

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And now I'm home.

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We're going to do things around the house tonight and I'm going to go to bed.

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And then I'm going to get up tomorrow decent.

00:17:29 Beth Murphy

Thing is that all there is to my life. Wow, right there that's it. That's the heart cry for a deeper sense of purpose, a purpose beyond what I can see in what I'm doing in my life and my horizon. Or I can understand and they need to know that God's the one who.

00:17:49 Beth Murphy

Saw you before you were fully formed.

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Created you with the purpose of knowing him personally, relating to him personally.

00:17:58 Beth Murphy

Him allowing you to be changed to have more of the character of Christ and then the purpose or the meaning or the functions of your life unfolding as life goes on and there will be many different seasons.

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Out of that, but.

00:18:10 Beth Murphy

The deepest foundational need for purpose is set in motion, and the answer to it is your deepest purpose is connecting directly to the God who loves you and created you and will always.

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Be with you.

00:18:24 John Murphy

Here's a situation I think a lot of parents can relate to, and this is a real one that's reported to us by an adult who it hit him when we talked about the eternal question, when did he start to feel like that something was missing for him?

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It was Christmas.

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And yet all these packages that run to the tree, it was like Christmas afternoon and he said he can remember vividly where the tree was.

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All the packages were open and he was sitting there going.

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Is this all there is to life?

00:18:49 John Murphy

That's a great example.

00:18:50 John Murphy

If you've ever experienced a child who's had a lot of excitement who's looking forward to the things that come at Christmas, that's going.

00:18:55 John Murphy

To make their life really wonder.

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Well and joyous and everything that they're expecting is all wrapped up.

00:19:01 John Murphy

And those things that are wrapped up under the tree after Christmas pretty quickly and they're back to themselves there, even maybe some disappointment.

00:19:09 John Murphy

There actually might be a little bit of a cloud over them, and you wonder now, wait a minute.

00:19:14 John Murphy

I gave this child everything they wanted for Christmas or maybe.

00:19:17 John Murphy

Significant things they wanted for Christmas.

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Why are they in this place of now?

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They don't feel like it?

00:19:22 John Murphy

It's not like they're happy, but they got the gifts.

00:19:24 John Murphy

Well, what happened was is that they had an anticipation that these things under the tree were going to fill something deep inside and her life was going to be great and wonderful again.

00:19:32 John Murphy

And there in the way in which they think.

00:19:34 John Murphy

Got it, but once they actually experienced what was under the tree, there was still an emptiness and I experienced the same thing and myself growing up.

00:19:43 John Murphy

I can remember that as well, but this was a client who came in and brought this story in and so you may have experienced that.

00:19:49 John Murphy

Your child has a focus on something that they represent is really going to be a breakthrough for.

00:19:54 John Murphy

The way their life feels.

00:19:55 John Murphy

And then they get it and then all of a sudden it's just not that big a deal because there was an expectation that something was going to be satisfied and and once The thing is realized once, The thing is is obtained or achieved.

00:20:08 John Murphy

Then they kind of go.

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It's county and.

00:20:11 Beth Murphy

That's very familiar to adults, to certainly clients and all of us have probably experienced some version of maybe it's achieving a goal or an accolade, or or some sort of accomplishment and then realizing shortly after, so someone recently just talked about becoming valedictorian.

00:20:29 Beth Murphy

And then it lasted for about 5 minutes.

00:20:31 Beth Murphy

And a lot goes into becoming a valedictorian, and the realization that even that wasn't enough and couldn't be enough because it can't possibly meet a deeply implanted divine need.

00:20:42 Beth Murphy

'cause that money can only be satisfied by God himself, and so opportunities that present themselves.

00:20:48 Beth Murphy

In life you think about life now.

00:20:51 Beth Murphy

Just the upsetting sorts of circumstances clearly outside our control or the child control or the parents control are things like riots and fires, virus the COVID thing, death, the loss of say it's a grandparent or an aunt, or the.

00:21:08 Beth Murphy

Neighbor who's parent died, and suddenly the realization that people that you love can die and be gone.

00:21:15 Beth Murphy

Those are big things in life that again a child may look like they kind of get over it and move on.

00:21:21 Beth Murphy

But we want.

00:21:21 Beth Murphy

To recognize in.

00:21:23 Beth Murphy

The moment that this is really a wonderful parenting opportunity.

00:21:27 Beth Murphy

To give them your personal parental love and assurance.

00:21:30 Beth Murphy

But also go ahead and do that thing of connecting them directly and the truth of what you know to be true about God and his love protection and his presence ever present.

00:21:41 Beth Murphy

In their lives.

00:21:42 John Murphy

Just a real quick phrase that helps people get their perspective is that when there isn't a problem which is bigger than you, then you need a God that's bigger than it to be at peace.

00:21:52 John Murphy

You have to have a place you can go in the midst of something is totally out of your.

00:21:56 John Murphy

Control where you can take refuge where you can trust and trust in that for your.

00:22:00 John Murphy

Whenever you have a problem, you've got to have something bigger than the problem to have peace about the problem that you can trust in, and that's kind of a quick way of looking at as kids bump into these sort of big and they will and I'm sure they many people have experienced the way in which a child reacts to something that.

00:22:16 John Murphy

The parent really can't control when they're trying to console them, and they try to tell them why it's OK and we bring them a lot of of comfort, but it's limited to us and what we can tell them about what we can do, or about situations or ways to rationalize it.

00:22:30 John Murphy

They need a bigger answer.

00:22:31 Beth Murphy

So a problem develops for children when.

00:22:35 Beth Murphy

The parents are on what we call the God pedestal, or in the God socket and the place in the child's heart because parents are in this role.

00:22:44 Beth Murphy

That's a unique place of divine authority, and they're representing God we we call parents the gods of our youth, because that's how God set it up.

00:22:54 Beth Murphy

He's intended for parents.

00:22:55 Beth Murphy

To be an ambassador for him and to represent him.

00:22:58 Beth Murphy

And they start their lives with total dependency.

00:23:01 Beth Murphy

Of course, for all of their needs and looking to parents as the answer for everything.

00:23:07 Beth Murphy

They're the people with the answers they they run the world and the planet.

00:23:12 Beth Murphy

But what happens is over time, of course everyone comes into the awareness that their parents are flawed in some way.

00:23:18 Beth Murphy

In other words, they come off the God pedestal and maybe a child as they get older views their parents as hypocritical or unsatisfactory.

00:23:27 Beth Murphy

Just they're not getting it done.

00:23:28 Beth Murphy

They're not meeting their needs.

00:23:29 John Murphy

Well, they just don't have the answer to the.

00:23:31 John Murphy

Thing that I want.

00:23:32 Beth Murphy

Right, they just they don't.

00:23:33 Beth Murphy

They don't truly don't have.

00:23:35 Beth Murphy

The answer and so in that inevitable sort of discontent.

00:23:39 Beth Murphy

It comes from a child looking to parents to fill their deep divine meets going all the way back to that example that you gave about the little girl saying, Daddy, do you love me?

00:23:50 Beth Murphy

No amount of assurance, he said it every different way you could think of, but no amount of assurance.

00:23:55 Beth Murphy

Was enough 'cause she needed the assurance of God's love. We can pre empt the level of discontent that can come later in life for a child by just recognizing these things earlier on. They may.

00:24:07 Beth Murphy

Have had a confession of faith, they may, they may know a lot about Jesus and they may have a lot of Bible stories in their minds or information in their minds.

00:24:17 Beth Murphy

But not have that direct connection or relationship, and so the good news is that parents have a tremendous amount of credibility with children.

00:24:27 Beth Murphy

Certainly when they're young, I mean they're just like open little flowers.

00:24:30 Beth Murphy

I just envisioned you know, open child water and can you just pour into them whatever you're pouring into them, they're going to soak it up.

00:24:37 Beth Murphy

But even what we see to be true consistently is that children quote unquote could be in their late teens 20s.

00:24:44 Beth Murphy

Eighty in their 30s.

00:24:45 Beth Murphy

We have had parenting clients.

00:24:47 Beth Murphy

Where their children were adults, but the parents were recognizing that they are the ones that could have an influence on their child.

00:24:56 Beth Murphy

's life because of even if they live in different states they have a place of divine.

00:25:02 Beth Murphy

Authority in their child.

00:25:03 Beth Murphy

's life and so the recognition of that and the understanding that.

00:25:08 Beth Murphy

Wow, this is a real opportunity.

00:25:10 Beth Murphy

This is an opportunity for me as a parent.

00:25:12 Beth Murphy

To demonstrate things that are foundational to the character of God.

00:25:17 John Murphy

So it's not only speaking directly into and explaining, but there's also the demonstration piece to the extent that we can relate to and function in this and the truth of who God is and testify to his will through actually how we run our lives when we are, we have loss of peace.

00:25:33 John Murphy

Do we pray, do we?

00:25:34 John Murphy

Are we looking for God for the answers to our own?

00:25:36 John Murphy

Personal divine needs.

00:25:38 John Murphy

Do we express a assurance about a situation because of trusting in God?

00:25:43 John Murphy

Those things are really critical.

00:25:45 John Murphy

So not only is it just speaking in and having to find you don't have to find the right moment, you can just live it out.

00:25:50 John Murphy

Children are constantly looking at.

00:25:52 John Murphy

The gods are very used to understand how the world works and how they satisfy their own needs and what's valuable and what's important so as parents live this trusting God out in front of them.

00:26:02 John Murphy

That's also a significant.

00:26:03 John Murphy

Communication and the the child is definitely going to be taking that in.

00:26:07 Beth Murphy

As well, so an interesting example.

00:26:09 Beth Murphy

A story of a boy who he was telling this later in life, but he was talking about when he.

00:26:14 Beth Murphy

Was about 12.

00:26:16 Beth Murphy

I guess it was a scene where there's a snowstorm.

00:26:19 Beth Murphy

He and his friend are picked up by the friends mom from school.

00:26:23 Beth Murphy

One of these.

00:26:23 Beth Murphy

Crazy things that sometimes can happen in Middle Tennessee, where there it's very hilly and the roads get icy and a 20 minute drive home back from school.

00:26:33 Beth Murphy

It snow storm that came up suddenly that 20 minute drive.

00:26:36 Beth Murphy

Took about 4 1/2 hours.

00:26:37 Beth Murphy

Throughout that time, the friend's mom was driving along, talking out loud to God all the time. Just OK.

00:26:45 Beth Murphy

Do we go straight through this red light so that we don't skid and hit that car or do what we do right now?

00:26:51 Beth Murphy

How do we take this hill? OK now and just the whole 4 1/2 hours was weaving.

00:26:58 Beth Murphy

Through all of that, just listening to God and it was a peaceful 4 1/2 hours and driving through the midst of cars that are all going off the side of the road in the ditch and all kinds of things are happening and it's just interesting that there's a lot to notice in that the child takeaway was.

00:27:14 Beth Murphy

Seeing what it meant.

00:27:15 Beth Murphy

In a practical way to truly depend on God.

00:27:17 John Murphy

Another aspect of this is just keeping in mind that a lot of the strife and disappointment in the relationship that parents may have with their children could be around this.

00:27:26 John Murphy

You don't have to worry about understanding and interpreting everything a child says and trying to worry about whether or not that's a.

00:27:34 John Murphy

External question or what I mean?

00:27:36 John Murphy

You basically can't start this at any age.

00:27:38 John Murphy

You don't have to find the particular line, but the more and more the sooner in which we begin to help the child move the information from their head to their heart and recognize God as an entity that loves them and they can trust in early on.

00:27:51 John Murphy

Then it just becomes part of the culture of the family.

00:27:54 John Murphy

Frustrations don't get experienced because the answer is already there.

00:27:58 Beth Murphy

So when we look at this is even to think about things that are challenging or difficult or irritating and parenting.

00:28:04 Beth Murphy

If you begin to look at it as all right now, this is this is a symptom of something and this is maybe an opportunity that I could speak into here.

00:28:12 Beth Murphy

So examples of that kind of thing, or when a child of any age is inconsolable.

00:28:18 Beth Murphy

About something or they talk about they.

00:28:20 Beth Murphy

They're older and they're using words like devastating.

00:28:23 Beth Murphy

The boyfriend, girlfriend breakup was devastate.

00:28:26 Beth Murphy

Seeing what those people said to me at lunch and in the cafeteria at school crushed me.

00:28:33 Beth Murphy

So that's a recognition that something deep has been hit there.

00:28:37 Beth Murphy

And rather than talking him out of why the boyfriend was a bad actor anyway and don't really want him in your life and those.

00:28:44 Beth Murphy

Kids at launch really probably didn't mean what they said instead of that which we may all tend to do just to really start hearing, what are they expressing and what's the divine need that they're they're yearning for here?

00:28:56 Beth Murphy

What is the assurance that they need to know?

00:28:59 Beth Murphy

About that God loves them.

00:29:01 Beth Murphy

Their value their worth that life isn't really riding on someone elses approval or acceptance.

00:29:07 Beth Murphy

But God loves them with no risk of rejection and that they are perfectly loved and adored and comforted and protected.

00:29:14 Beth Murphy

And these other people.

00:29:15 Beth Murphy

These external things aren't the indication of that.

00:29:18 John Murphy

I think another quick way of thinking about this is when your child exhibits behavior that doesn't make sense to you, you have to understand that it probably makes sense to them.

00:29:28 John Murphy

And so your challenge is to figure out why it makes sense to them, and then bring in the answer.

00:29:32 John Murphy

That's how we're going to solve this problem so many times we've heard bewildered parents about the behavior of their children, and they've tried to do what they can to control the behavior or control the attitude or whatever it is.

00:29:44 John Murphy

And one things that we open up for them is this opportunity to understand that.

00:29:48 John Murphy

That might make sense to them.

00:29:49 John Murphy

Consider that actually there's a rational basis for that, and look into.

00:29:54 John Murphy

Well, if you consider the divine needs every child has and you consider how it is that they're doing life and that that's not filling that need, then that would make sense that they're wildly frustrated when really seemingly insignificant things happen to them.

00:30:07 Beth Murphy

And that applies at all ages.

00:30:08 Beth Murphy

Just thinking about now as a grandparent, watching a son and daughter-in-law deal with a 2 year old and the way of expressing love that comes out, they're just having an understanding perspective of what life feels like to a 2 year old, and so they're addressing things you know they're dealing with things that need to be dealt with.

00:30:27 Beth Murphy

And the way they need to be dealt with.

00:30:29 Beth Murphy

All across the spectrum, but it comes from rather than being bewildered by.

00:30:34 Beth Murphy

You know some obviously irrational seeming responses to things they're seeing it for.

00:30:40 Beth Murphy

What it means from a 2 year old and then speaking to that child heart and that child need and as.

00:30:45 Beth Murphy

They children get older.

00:30:46 Beth Murphy

And they do things like extreme things.

00:30:49 Beth Murphy

They have what we call, where they're obsessing on things.

00:30:52 Beth Murphy

We call it an air hose.

00:30:53 Beth Murphy

In other words, they're acting like this thing.

00:30:55 Beth Murphy

Their video game, their electronics, their friend group is foundational to their existence in life, and without them they don't know if they can go on alright, so.

00:31:06 Beth Murphy

It can be, you know.

00:31:07 Beth Murphy

You know, distressing or irritating, however, you happen to feel in a given day, but what you want to be able to do is just begin to just what you said.

00:31:15 Beth Murphy

Just look at it for why is this making sense to them.

00:31:19 Beth Murphy

The parent restricts or pulls away video games and the child runs away and leaves a suicide note.

00:31:25 Beth Murphy

OK, that's a real example and so.

00:31:28 Beth Murphy

So what we want to do is get at the why.

00:31:31 Beth Murphy

Obviously all they're trying to control the behaviors has done nothing but ramp it up and make it.

00:31:35 Beth Murphy

Worse, because we.

00:31:36 Beth Murphy

Got to get to what's going on in their heart and understanding what is their divine need.

00:31:42 Beth Murphy

What's the deficit there that we want to address and fail?

00:31:46 John Murphy

I just feel like I have to say.

00:31:47 John Murphy

It again, if you observe behavior that makes absolutely no rational sense.

00:31:51 John Murphy

To you.

00:31:52 John Murphy

You have to understand that if you'd live their life if you were exactly where they were, if you experienced everything they experience.

00:31:59 John Murphy

If you were experiencing the needs they were experiencing their culture, their family, experiencing their friends, and experiencing their school.

00:32:05 John Murphy

If you saw it from their experience, it actually probably makes perfect sense.

00:32:09 John Murphy

Well, the great thing about all this is that we're not alone in parenting our children.

00:32:12 John Murphy

Obviously, the model we talked about last time that we want to try to parent our children as godparents.

00:32:18 John Murphy

And that's a place of unconditional love and acceptance.

00:32:20 John Murphy

The next level of this is OK.

00:32:23 John Murphy

How do I partner with God in this?

00:32:25 John Murphy

And we've alluded to it a little bit earlier, but it's important to understand that.

00:32:28 John Murphy

You are not.

00:32:29 John Murphy

Alone you have a limitation based on who you are and your experiences and your beliefs and all your things you have.

00:32:36 John Murphy

There's a limit to how much.

00:32:37 John Murphy

A parent can actually solved and parent in a way that is similar to God.

00:32:43 John Murphy

There's it we are not divine.

00:32:45 John Murphy

We're not going to get there, so there's a limit to how closely we can reflect God's Claire character because.

00:32:49 John Murphy

Other people, but the great thing is, is that God backfills from there he can take it wherever whatever limit we have whatever limit the child may be frustrated because they're experiencing it.

00:32:59 John Murphy

That is a time to understand that the the the total answer and the success of your child's life is going to be based on you doing the best you can as a parent and making sure to introduce.

00:33:10 John Murphy

God to be right behind you and backfilling for everything else they need.

00:33:14 John Murphy

There's a level at which they can trust you to do those things as well as you can, and then for whatever things where because of your story you've done, you're at your limit.

00:33:23 John Murphy

We introduce them to God and then God fills the rest of their need and to me I just love the just the way that that takes the load off.

00:33:31 John Murphy

You get in a situation where there can be anger and frustration.

00:33:35 John Murphy

And conflict back and forth between.

00:33:36 John Murphy

Parents and children.

00:33:39 John Murphy

There can be a lot of sense of burden of how am I going to solve this problem?

00:33:42 John Murphy

It's on me to solve this thing and actually the reality of it is that you're not alone, but you still get to be the answer.

00:33:48 John Murphy

So you have this amazing opportunity to partner with God to fill everything, every need your child has so you still get to be the answer you still be.

00:33:57 John Murphy

You still get the privilege of seeing the child life be peaceful and fulfilled and go the right direction, but.

00:34:04 John Murphy

'cause they have trusted you to the level at which you are able to fill their needs and then they move into the trust of trusting God for the rest and then they are fulfilled people they have their deepest needs satisfied and that's a wonderful thing to be able to recognize that you still get to have the answer.

00:34:21 John Murphy

But the answer is God.

00:34:22 Beth Murphy

One of the most beautiful things.

00:34:24 Beth Murphy

That we see in working with parents here at Rockhouse is they may be in the midst of an embroiled parent teenager conflict just to watch that unwind.

00:34:35 Beth Murphy

Not because we're meeting with the teenage.

00:34:37 Beth Murphy

When we meet.

00:34:39 Beth Murphy

With them once.

00:34:40 Beth Murphy

We're meeting with parents and helping the parents understand what's going on in their own heart and what's going on in.

00:34:46 Beth Murphy

Their child's.

00:34:46 Beth Murphy

Heart the result of that is that parents change and they shift in.

00:34:50 Beth Murphy

The relationship shifts, and fascinatingly also with younger children.

00:34:54 Beth Murphy

They can preempt that whole season.

00:34:57 Beth Murphy

That is assuming that our culture is unavoidable, that teenagers are going to rebel, there's going to be all this strife in the family.

00:35:03 Beth Murphy

It's miserable, people just kind of roll their eyes and go, well, you know I have a teenager at home and you know how bad that can be.

00:35:09 Beth Murphy

Well, what we see is that no.

00:35:11 Beth Murphy

Actually, it doesn't have to be like that.

00:35:14 Beth Murphy

And isn't like that.

00:35:16 Beth Murphy

As relationships turn around and parents are more and more able to rest and God and trusting God themselves begin to translate differently, but it's back to breaking the code in their child's heart, helping the child break the code and the parents heart and all of the dynamic begins to change and again, really cool that as parents are doing this when their children.

00:35:36 Beth Murphy

Or younger than they find that they can preempt that entire negative season as the child gets older.

00:35:42 John Murphy

So we just want to say that it does happen later in life as well.

00:35:45 John Murphy

Someone, a teenager or maybe early college kind of age.

00:35:48 John Murphy

We have seen so many scenarios where there's this isolation and the separation and it turns into the child showing up.

00:35:54 John Murphy

At family chores, more engaged with what's happening, investing more in the family and doing the things which allow the family to prosper and succeed.

00:36:04 John Murphy

They go from not wanting to be around, staying in their own room to coming and sitting down beside Dad and just wanting to talk.

00:36:10 John Murphy

I mean, it's an amazing.

00:36:12 John Murphy

It's really almost miraculous the way and certainly.

00:36:14 John Murphy

Feels miraculous from the perspective of the parent.

00:36:16 John Murphy

When this behavior starts shifting and all they have done is to partner.

00:36:21 Beth Murphy

With God, parents can speak truth to their children and have it stick.

00:36:26 Beth Murphy

Because of the way that parents carry that's put in place by God's design that parents are in this role of divine authority as ambassadors representatives of God.

00:36:37 Beth Murphy

At any age.

00:36:39 Beth Murphy

A parent has a level of importance and credibility with their child, even in in a strange relationship, and they want and need the acceptance of their parents.

00:36:49 Beth Murphy

The approval of their parents and the sense that their parents love them.

00:36:51 Beth Murphy

Even if they mess up.

00:36:53 John Murphy

Yeah, and I think no matter what age I can tell there's still something they want to hear from their parents.

00:36:58 John Murphy

They still want that message of whatever it is that's going to fill that empty thing inside of them, and it can be anywhere everywhere.

00:37:04 John Murphy

From do you realize how much I love you to do?

00:37:07 John Murphy

You realize how much God loves you and he's been with you your whole life?

00:37:09 John Murphy

I mean, even kids who are in their 60s you can talk to them and see my.

00:37:14 John Murphy

I never heard this and so it's still.

00:37:17 John Murphy

It's still available to be healed.

00:37:19 John Murphy

And so you don't ever give up on the opportunity to bring the answer to your children.

00:37:23 John Murphy

There are two assurances that where we're partnering with God that are so important that if you just wrote these down and went and try to work this into a conversation with your children, it's going to make a huge difference.

00:37:37 John Murphy

And the first one has to do with love and and so here's an example of how to communicate what it is, and you put it in your own words.

00:37:44 John Murphy

But I communicate what it is that your child needs to hear, and it is I love you as well as I can.

00:37:51 John Murphy

For as long as I'm here to love you.

00:37:53 John Murphy

But don't worry, because God's love is divinely unconditional, perfect and eternal.

00:38:00 John Murphy

Put whatever words around that you want, but that is a message that your children need to hear.

00:38:05 John Murphy

And that has to do with the unconditional love aspect, which is on the top of the list of what every human being and every child needs to hear.

00:38:12 John Murphy

And on another one that's really important.

00:38:14 John Murphy

And here's one you can put in your own words as well, but this is another way to express assurance from God and really is.

00:38:20 John Murphy

Basically a partnering statement that we're going to partner.

00:38:23 John Murphy

I'm partnering with God to give you everything you need in this in this category and so here's another.

00:38:27 John Murphy

One I will.

00:38:28 John Murphy

Do my imperfect best to provide for your needs and lead you in life.

00:38:33 John Murphy

But you need to know that God can be trusted to fill all your needs, even when I'm gone, including direction to living a life that is deeply fulfilling.

00:38:44 John Murphy

That is a very reassuring message, and it completes the spectrum of need and the spectrum of who's going to solve what problem.

00:38:52 John Murphy

I'm here, as long as I can.

00:38:54 John Murphy

But this God is out there and he is here for eternity, and he is the backfill of this relationship.

00:38:59 John Murphy

You do not have to have fear about.

00:39:01 John Murphy

I'm not going to be here forever.

00:39:03 John Murphy

Or if over focus on me as the answer to divine needs, and that's why we want to do as quickly as we can, we want to get off the pedestal as Beth said, and get God on the pedestal for the big needs in life that we never had a chance to fill because they were.

00:39:19 Beth Murphy

Always divine, we're very sensitive actually to the fact that engaging God to partner with you in parenting.

00:39:25 Beth Murphy

Absolutely takes some more change for parents because we didn't come into the parent role with.

00:39:30 Beth Murphy

As we said in owners manual or exact instructions and we're all you know on the job.

00:39:36 Beth Murphy

Training and so a big portion of this means looking at our hearts and dealing with any wrong understandings that.

00:39:45 Beth Murphy

We may have about.

00:39:45 Beth Murphy

God and the ways that those things can manifest can be.

00:39:48 Beth Murphy

Recognizing that instead of trusting God, I'm doing all kinds of controlling things.

00:39:54 Beth Murphy

I'm trying to control and fix my child.

00:39:56 Beth Murphy

And hover over them.

00:39:57 Beth Murphy

And tell them for the 14th time about this behavior, I want them to stop.

00:40:03 Beth Murphy

And basically I'm just frantically relying on my own control strategy to try to get the child behavior to line up without realizing it.

00:40:12 Beth Murphy

What I'm doing in that is I'm modeling that I trust my control instead of trusting God, so if.

00:40:17 Beth Murphy

If that's the.

00:40:18 Beth Murphy

Case then I just want to begin to.

00:40:20 Beth Murphy

Engage with God and ask for help in.

00:40:23 Beth Murphy

That just acknowledge that Lord.

00:40:25 Beth Murphy

I've been doing this whole control thing my.

00:40:26 Beth Murphy

Whole life and I want.

00:40:28 Beth Murphy

To drop that, I'm ready to drop my control and I need your help to trust you.

00:40:33 Beth Murphy

We also may recognize that we've just got too much dependency on our.

00:40:38 Beth Murphy

Child's opinion of us like we're hesitant to do something that might displease them, or run them off and so we're actually kind of walking on egg shells or pulling back.

00:40:49 Beth Murphy

From doing maybe a kind but limiting sort of thing that needs to be done, or I'm just looking to their successes to make me feel good about myself as a parent, or feel good about life and so if they do something wrong, or certainly if they have a moral failing or they just don't achieve up to the standards of their capability.

00:41:11 Beth Murphy

And all of that goes into this burden.

00:41:13 Beth Murphy

I've got four or deficit really, that I've got for not feeling good about myself because they're not making me feel good about my.

00:41:22 Beth Murphy

And so it's important to just acknowledge honestly.

00:41:24 Beth Murphy

If that's going on and see it as something to engage God in.

00:41:29 Beth Murphy

In my own life, repent of that and ask God to fill my needs for value and worth and not look to my child and their success or lack of success to make.

00:41:38 Beth Murphy

Me feel good.

00:41:38 John Murphy

So we want to partner with God on this as well.

00:41:41 John Murphy

We want to bring him into the conversation and I think the best way to do that is going to be engage in a prayer that ask him in to help us with these things to position our hearts so that we can actually partner with him effectively in our parenting.

00:41:52 John Murphy

So here's a prayer if you want to engage God to move your heart as well as to lead.

00:41:58 John Murphy

UN parenting and this would be a great prayer for you to follow me through.

00:42:02 John Murphy

Hello father.

00:42:04 John Murphy

Thank you that you love me unconditionally.

00:42:08 John Murphy

And are perfectly trustworthy.

00:42:10 John Murphy

To fill my deepest needs.

00:42:13 John Murphy

Father, I reject any lie or teaching that is in my heart that opposes that truth.

00:42:21 John Murphy

Father, please replace those lies with your truth of your character.

00:42:28 John Murphy

Father, I also reject any dependency I have.

00:42:32 John Murphy

On my child's approval.

00:42:35 John Murphy

On their love are their performance.

00:42:38 John Murphy

To fill my need for worth.

00:42:41 John Murphy

Or assurance about life that only you can provide.

00:42:46 John Murphy

Father, I invite you into my heart.

00:42:49 John Murphy

To fill my divine needs with healthy dependencies on your presence and your love and your peace.

00:42:57 John Murphy

Father, I invite you to partner with me and parenting my child.

00:43:02 John Murphy

Thank you that you have the answers.

00:43:05 John Murphy

That I will never have for my child.

00:43:09 John Murphy

But you allow me the gratification of filling those needs for my children by introducing them to you.

00:43:19 John Murphy

Father, please give me the insight to understand.

00:43:23 John Murphy

My child needs the answer.

00:43:26 John Murphy

That only knowing and trusting you can provide.

00:43:32 John Murphy

Board please make the opportunities and give me the words.

00:43:37 John Murphy

To represent the fullness of your character.

00:43:41 John Murphy

To my children, when they most need it.

00:43:43 John Murphy

Father, thank you for accommodating my imperfection by supporting me and parenting with your perfection.

00:43:51 John Murphy

I pray this in the name of your child Jesus.

00:43:54 John Murphy

Amen, Amen.

00:43:57 Beth Murphy

Thank you for joining us today.

00:43:59 Beth Murphy

We do ask that you share this with.

00:44:02 Beth Murphy

Anyone who might.

00:44:03 Beth Murphy

Be blessed by these truths and certainly feel free to email us or call us if this has touched off something in your heart and you want to know more about what services and counseling and programs there are at Rock House Center.

00:44:16 Beth Murphy

So we thank you.

00:44:17 Beth Murphy

And my God bless you.

00:44:18 John Murphy

Actually, if you would like to email us and get those two partnering statements or a copy of the.

00:44:24 John Murphy

Prayer please do that.

00:44:29

All right?